


Merrily on High

by Agent0fChaos (wir_sind_die_Jager)



Series: Holy One-Shots, Batman! [5]
Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, Batman: The Animated Series
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, holiday fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-23
Updated: 2019-06-23
Packaged: 2020-05-16 22:01:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19326943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wir_sind_die_Jager/pseuds/Agent0fChaos
Summary: The Joker escapes Arkham Asylum on Christmas Day.





	Merrily on High

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for batfic_contest back on Liverjournal in 2009. The theme was Christmas and I tied for first place!

Harley threw her arms around the Joker's neck, standing on tiptoe to nuzzle him with her cold little button nose.  
  
"Oooh, you jingle," he giggled, wrapping one arm around her small waist and cupping her bottom. Squealing, Harley wiggled in his grip and then pulled away to settle into the driver's side of their getaway car.   
  
There would be time for lovin' later, after she had transported him to safety.  
  
Mister J had chosen Christmas Day to bust out of Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane and Harley decided to get into the holiday spirit with a belted, hooded red dress coat trimmed in white faux fur, a string of jingle bells twined in the belt loops. She wore civilian clothes underneath as they were going directly to their new home.  
  
"Jingle bells, Batman smells," Joker tittered, prodding her bells with his index finger as he laughed with the glee of a four-year-old. Tilting her head, Harley kept her eyes on the road ahead, but briefly shifted her eyes to the side, curious about his behavior. At a red traffic light, Harley turned to look at him. A puddle of saliva collected at one corner of his mouth and dribbled down his chin as he sang again, throwing his arms out, and narrowly missing Harley's face: "...and the Joker got away!"  
  
"Puddin, are you OK?" Harley felt his forehead. It was warm, but not feverish hot. "You're acting funny... _funnier_ , I mean."  
  
"I'm always funny!" The Ace of Knaves hooted. "An irregular riot!"  
  
"Hah," Harley managed half-heartedly. Her growing concern outweighed her funny bone. As the light turned green and Harley's attention returned to driving, she tried to question him again. "What did you do today, Puddin'? Before you escaped?"  
  
"Lessee...I got up. Ate pancakes. Mmmm. Pancakes. Sang some Spike Jones tunes with the boys from cellblock G...took my meds and left."  
  
"Uh, oh." Harley said with growing fraught.   
  
"Spaghetti-O's!"   
  
"Do you know what kind of meds they gave you, Mister J?" Harley asked, hoping The Joker's knowledge of pharmaceuticals and inate desire to show off his  would override his current loopy state.  
  
"Sssummin called...halitosis? No, no, no. Tha's not it. Little white round things. Like Chrissmass fairy dew drops."   
  
"Halcion?" Harley ventured, remembering the name from the long gone days of her work as a psychiatrist.  
  
"Tha's the one!" Joker giggled again, lolling his head back against the head rest. "I took mine an' Crane's."  
  
"You took _two_ doses?" Harley groaned. "Golly, Mister J, that might've been...not one of your best ideas." She winced automatically, preparing for the physical or verbal outburst. Instead, The Clown Prince of Crime merely blew the laziest raspberry.   
  
"Aw, pun'kin, he was only gonna cheek it! I didn't want it to go to waste."   
  
Harley tried not to show the anxiety she was suddenly feeling. It was bad enough with one dose of Halcion running through Mister J, but two? _Oh, boy. Thanks a bunch, Santa,_ thought Harley exasperatingly.   
  
Harley pulled the car alongside the street where a broken meter sat. Getting out, she bounded around the car and opened his door, biting down on her chapped bottom lip as she watched him slowly swing his legs around the side. It took three attempts before Harley got him up to his feet; four including him trying to stand up with his seat belt still on. The Joker wobbled as  he attempted to step away from the vehicle so Harley could shut the door behind him. Taking matters into her own hands, Harley propped him against the rear passenger door instead. When she looked back at him, his eyes were heavy and bloodshot.  
  
"How long has it been since you slept?" Harley asked, positioning herself under one of his arms, supporting him as they slowly shuffled up to a condemned brownstone building where Harley moved their belongings earlier that morning.  
  
"Only a day..."  
  
"Oh," replied Harley, taking baby steps up the stairs, careful not to grasp the railing which was loose and ready to break away.  
  
"Or three."  
  
"Oh, geez." Straining to hold him upright as she held open the heavy door, Harley felt the sweat gathering across her forehead as he took a snail's pace getting inside. As soon as he stepped over the threshold, she let the door slam behind her, catching the bottom of her faux fur trim. Yanking it loose, a chunk of faux fur tore from the hem, and Harley's heart sank a little lower in frustration. Grabbing onto the Joker, Harley then led the way towards the staircase. "My poor Puddin'."  
  
"Hey. I always wanted to know...what kind of pudding am I?"  
  
"Whatcha mean?" Harley groaned as she hefted all six-foot four inches of her boyfriend against her tiny five-foot two inch frame.   
  
"Like what kind of pudding do you think about when you call me puddin?"  
  
"Gee, Mister J, I never really-"  
  
"Butterscotch?" he interrupted. "I like that. Banana cream is another great flavor. Got that whole...banana thing going for it. Just not vanilla. Anything but vanilla!"  
  
"Not vanilla, I promise," Harley groaned through grit teeth as she helped him ascend the staircase from hell.   
  
"Hey! Didja know, in the old movies, the ol' pie in the face gag? They probably used banana in those. Not like today. All they use is crummy, stinkin' whipped cream in a pie tin. Where's the respect, huh?" He suddenly grabbed her shoulders and gave her a violent shake, causing Harley to desperately grab onto the bannister as they teetered dangerously, so close to the top of the stairs. "Where's the pie, Harley!"  
  
"Aw, don't you worry, Mister J," said Harley, taking hold of one of his hands and pulling his arm around her so that he leaned against her back as she got them to the landing and began to inch her way toward the bedroom. "After you've had a nice, long sleep and let those nasty pills run their course, I can make you a banana cream pie." Reaching the door, she quickly swung it open and walked him inside. Taking a moment to pause for a deep inhale and long exhale, Harley mentally prepared for the last stretch to get him onto the mattress she had hauled up and made up with black and red satin sheets. "Then you can slap it in my face if you want."  
  
"Aw, pun'kin pooh! You'd do that for me?"  
  
"Sure!"Harley said as she kicked the bedroom door closed behind her. "It's the season for giving, right?"  
  
"Jus' like Laurel and Hardy?"  
  
"Just like Laurel and Hardy, angel."  
  
Walking him over to the bed, Harley let him go and watched The Joker fall onto the mattress. Waiting until he curled to one side, Harley removed his shoes before drawing the covers over him.   
  
"Whew," Harley softly sighed to herself, wiping her perspiring brow. Taking off her jingly jacket and letting into fall to the floor, Harley smiled down at the slumbering form before turning to go into the bathroom.  
  
"Hey...hey...pumpkin doodle?"  
  
"Yes, sweetie?" Harley turned towards the bed. He had the covers pulled over his head.  
  
"What kind of pudding do you like best?"  
  
Harley felt a blush rise to her cheeks despite him being unable to see her.  
  
"I like Christmas pudding best of all."  
  
He snorted in response, and then the covers began to shake with his chuckles, followed by peals of hysterical laughter.  
  
"Oh, Harley girl, you always try so hard to be punny!"  
  
"Got you to laugh," Harley muttered to herself with an exasperated sigh, her moment of holiday saccharine ruined as she turned her back towards him and went into the bathroom.  _That's it. Forget Christmas; I'm going back to Hanukkah!_


End file.
